I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
