Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
