The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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