party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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