I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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