You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
