Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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