I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
