Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
