What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
