I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
