Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
