I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
