Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
