If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
