so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
