He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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