You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
