I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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