When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dicks are not precious.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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