Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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