Just fell off a train. Bad.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
