i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
