i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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