i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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