someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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