I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
