In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
