Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
