I just pynch a tree in the face
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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