every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
