Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
