there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
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Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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