i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
