I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
