Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
