Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
