Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
