I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
