She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
