I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think I won the penis lottery.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
