Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
