This is not my ceiling
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
