I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
