I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
