I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
