Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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