whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
