i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
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Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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