First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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