There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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