My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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