I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
