You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
