Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
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We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
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he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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