I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
