My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
