Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize